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6th May 2001
It's No Insult to be called Gay - Even When You're Straight
I've loved Tom Cruise ever since I saw him dancing in his white briefs in Risky Business and he still remains a figure of masculine perfection. But the latest news about yet another lawsuit defending his heterosexual status has me yawning.
First of all, I'm against the whole concept of suing. It's so tired and defensive - and what exactly is Mr. Cruise so concerned about? Surely, with so many successful films in the bag and so much dosh in the bank, he can't seriously be worried about such accusations destroying his career.
More importantly, is he saying that it is a slur to be called homosexual? As a flag-waving Mary, I feel deeply offended by the notion that it is an insult to be called queer. If someone accused me of being straight, I wouldn't give a damn. After all, where would I be without heterosexual union? It takes two of them to make one of us.
Even average-looking stars like me are self-obsessed and self-obsession is one of homoeroticism's essential ingredients. So who could blame Tom if he got a little aroused when he looks in the mirror?
I always laugh at anyone who claims to be 100 per cent straight (or gay) because, as far as I'm concerned, all human beings are a multitude of sexual possibilities. How can you not love what you are?
I accept that there is a degree of wishful thinking in my theory but if the majority of the population are so secure in their sexuality, why is there so much homophobia and why does Eminem have such a huge bank balance?
Tom Cruise should take a leaf from David Beckham's book and a sarong from his wardrobe. Beckham's latest advertising campaign for Police sunglasses is a lesson no, a degree in self-worship.
As my mum would say: "If he was a chocolate, he'd eat himself." Beckham would flirt with traffic if he were assured a response - and he certainly honks my horn.
Of course, Mr. Cruise will claim that he is not anti-gay but his latest action makes it look that way. And worse, it suggests that he has absolutely no sense of humour.
Blast from the Past
When I first started to DJ in the UK, I got some strange reactions and highly unoriginal comments like: "Ere mate, 'ave you got Karma Chameleon?" Clubs would get calls asking what time I would be singing and the odd Culture Club fan would turn up and stand disgruntled by the DJ booth. I still get requests for Karma Chameleon but I've been on the dance circuit long enough for people to realise that I'm spinning records.
Over in America, where I'm doing more DJ gigs these days, they're still surprised to see me on the decks. I played a huge rave in Washington last weekend and I kept getting asked: "Are you the real Boy George, the one from Culture Club?" My usual response - "No, I'm his mother" - didn't seem to relieve confusion.
It didn't help that vintage Culture Club T-shirts were being peddled on the premises but I'm getting used to feeling like a typewriter in a renaissance. I'm thinking of wearing a T-shirt that says "Oxymoron". Or maybe I should try "No, I'm not Tom Cruise".
13th May 2001
Get it Straight, John, We're Glad to be Gay
John Smid is the leader of some wacky Christian organisation that "irons out" homosexuals and makes them think they're straight. It's called Love In Action (hardly) and it costs unhappy homos around 15,000 pounds to take the cure. I've been trying to turn straight guys queer for years but not under the guise of a religion and damn it, I had no idea I could charge.
I am now considering a poster campaign with a line that reads: Be gay now - call me, 666! Snappy, huh?
Smid reckons that homosexuality is a sin - how original (forgive the pun) - and that it is a social disease. He adds that "homosexuality is going against the way we are wired". Not me, honey. I came with flashing-light paneling and a mirror ball.
Of course, I accept that with enough emotional pressure, manipulation and guilt, you could maybe convince someone to say that they are straight. But altering their true instincts and feelings is another story. At best, Love In Action could create a bunch of ex-gay emotional zombies, who trudge or even skip through life, playing the role but never feeling truly satisfied or secure. And they call it a Christian act?
I believe we are all as gay as we are straight. And that we already live in a world where sexuality (the top-selling straight variety) is forced upon us from Day One.
It doesn't always work. I was browsing, as you do, through the personal ads in the back of Loot magazine and it's surprising how many heterosexuals-with-a-twist there are. Almost every ad is for a straight male looking for a couple with which to enjoy adult fun. Many say the "male must be bisexual", so in my estimation there must be many more sexually diverse types who live in small print and do their bumping and grinding behind net curtains in Billericay.
I'm sure this planet is far more queer than we are willing to accept. I use the term queer because it covers every left-of-centre act you can think of - and lots you don't know about.
The Church, or so-called religious organisations, ought to use their energies to help with the homeless, child abuse and building shelters for runaways. They should be out in the community like spiritual cops getting their hands dirty. Let's face it, the Church has a terrifying history of child abuse, and attendance is certainly at an all-time low. Rather than manipulating the minds of its followers and encouraging repression, it should celebrate sexual differences.
If John Smid was encouraging these gays to accept their overwhelming preferences and teaching them to be comfortable with it, he would be doing something truly Christian and useful. Love In Action is clearly a money making scheme and a questionable one at that.
A Kosher Convert
Talking of religion, on Wednesday night I was invited to a kosher gourmet restaurant in central London, called 613. I didn't know what to expect but the fare was delicious - perfect for anyone who likes to avoid dairy produce, because Orthodox Jews don't mix dairy and meat. The desserts, always my fave part, are made with soya and slipped down a treat.
The company was rather pleasant, too. I was hanging with Rabbi Pini and co. Anyone who's anyone has a rabbi connection these days. Despite what the Americans say, eating out in London is cool and 613 is certainly a break from the norm.
20th May 2001
All Shook Up Over a Fistful of Dollars
Greetings from a very overcast Los Angeles. I swanned in two days ago to DJ at a huge Sony bash to celebrate the launch of its new PlayStation DVD gadget. It must have spent a packet but I was shoved in a corner on a wobbly platform and the record decks were placed on an equally wobbly keyboard stand.
Every time anyone approached the loose excuse for a DJ booth, the record jumped and I delivered less than my best. Not that the crowd seemed to mind but one likes to earn their handbag (dollars dear) and I don't like being treated like an afterthought.
The fabulous rap group Outkast were entertaining the troops before me and their sound cut out for 10 minutes in the middle of their set. I can't help but turn into a schoolmistress in these situations because how difficult can it be to get things right? The technicians were running around trying to organise a monitor for me while I was playing and after two vain attempts found a monster of a speaker that was covered in dust and louder than an insecure drag queen.
Talking of drag, I spotted actor - or is it now actress? - Alexis Arquette in the crowd in full female attire. Alexis, who portrayed me in the movie, The Wedding Singer, rarely leaves home these days without slipping on a dress. He minced over and yelled: "Enough of the rap crap." Now when I DJ, I never take requests unless the desired tune is already in my box but that didn't stop dizzy girls asking: "Can you play some Culture Club, we want to hear your voice".
It was a long way to come for such a non-event party but they got enough photos of me arriving and that, I suspect, was the point.
The Weakest Wink
Anne Robinson and her Weakest Link show have taken America by storm but you can see why. Mrs. Robinson fits in perfectly with the likes of Jerry Springer and dating programes such as Change Of Heart, which is like Blind Date on acid. Couples are hooked up with new partners and sent out on romantic dates. At the end, they decide whether to stay together but not before squirming while their other half smooches with or even beds the competition.
Watching these makes me think we are definitely living in an age of cruelty. Women seem to be adopting the worst qualities of men and the result is rather ugly. Jerry Springer's show is more out of control than ever and members of the audience are now threatening the guests, using terms like "fag" and "dyke". Springer seems to be going through the motions but surely he can't feel good about making money out of the misery of others?
The Weakest Link, sadly, reminds me of the school playground and Anne Robinson is like the bully teachers who made every day of school sheer misery. I can't see the thrill in making people feel small and if I hear that catchphrase again I'll swing.
Whining and Dining
Don't you loathe listening to skinny folk going on about how fat they are? Especially when you're about to order dessert. When I'm trapped at a dinner table with models going on about the new "skinny pill" and how you can buy a tapeworm on the Net, I can't gorge in peace. Do we deliberately surround ourselves with those who reflect our insecurities? I mean, who doesn't want to be a size eight but can't we discuss eyeshadow for a change?
27th May 2001
Vigilance is Vital for us Vegetarians
One hates to kick a corporation when they're down, but I am afraid McDonald's deserve it. Recently, I wrote that they used animal (beef, to be exact) flavouring in their chips and they kindly wrote back to me to assure me that it was not true. What they should have said is that they only use beef flavouring in America, because it turns out that they do over there.
If there are 'miniscule' amounts of beef products in their American chips, then as a vegetarian I'm not sure I want to eat any of their chips. Harish Bharti, a Hindu devotee, is suing them because he has made a vow to God not to eat meat, eggs or fish, and I hope he takes them to the fast food cleaners.
Mind you, any vegetarian who buys chips from such a place is slightly hypocritical. As a vegetarian, you cannot ignore the fact that McDonald's also sell minced up cows, because you are peckish and lazy.
In an ideal world, a true vegetarian would only eat in pure vegetarian restaurants because this proves that we don't really know what's going on in kitchens elsewhere.
Most restaurants have veggie options these days, but how pure are they? When you order something that has cheese in it, can you be sure the cheese is vegetarian? I had dinner in a lovely Greek restaurant and ordered grilled haloumi. But I was so hungry, I didn't bother to ask if they cooked it on the same grill that they used to cook shish kebabs.
It seems those of us who choose not to eat animals must be more fanatical and alert when eating out. At least supermarkets clearly mark products that are suitable for vegetarians, but stories like this make you wonder who is telling the truth.
Spot the Difference
Like many people, especially most homosexuals, I voted for Labour in the last election because I thought they would make a real difference. It was naive of me and I am forced to remember a slogan sprayed on a wall in south London when I was a kid, which read: "If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal".
How obvious that Labour will win. "It's a foregone conclusion," they say. Worse still, I keep hearing "Labour is the lesser of two evils". I have always said that in politics and pop, you get what you deserve and Labour is clearly what we are going to get.
I want to rejoice, but when I watch Tony Blair (or is that Linda?), I see Maggie Thatcher in flat shoes on a bad hair day. Labour policies seem rather like today's pop music, not one thing or the other. I have always said that art, music and film are a reflection of the emotional state of our culture, but maybe I should add politics to the mix.
These days, you can take a singer or a group and pretty much turn them into anything. Stylists, choreographers, spin doctors What's the difference? Voting for New Labour is like helping an old lady across the road while screaming "Get a move on!". Even the Tories, who you could once rely on to be completely heartless, are pretending to care. The best advice I've heard on how to vote in Election Day was from a comedienne who said: "We should all vote Lib Dem, just to see Charles Kennedy's face when he gets in."
I would personally like to encourage all the non-voters to vote for the Green Party, because I would like to see a Labour-Green coalition in the future, and when it comes to the environment, I am firmly with the trees.
If you don't vote, you can't complain - and complaining is a great British tradition that's worth preserving.
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